Date: 30 May 2013 16:19 Title: Chapter 2
The Breen! Dear oh. After ferengi and Nausicaans that was a bit of twist. The stealing of the gel pack is very weird and what's with the purpose of it. Quite a mysterious start to things with a neat piece of action to boot.
“Consider me on report.” from Tarlazzi is a great line and his smart mouth is like Carson's indicative of their informal Maquis style. I'm relieved to see that you don't leave off with the inter-tensions between the Fleeters and the Maquis. They may be able to work together but it doesn't mean it has to be smooth sailing. And the interactions for quite a few really start to shape the characters.
Tarlazzi and Logan are coming through nicely and I could imagine Logan's voice in that scene easily with the biting words. Likewise, we see that Kozar is still butting heads with his captain (albeit keeping a lid on it as much as he can) but she too is showing fire towards him with her own barbed comments (not exactly condusive to a good interpersonnal command team set-up there Limis).
Date: 02 Dec 2011 15:43 Title: Chapter 2
I'm sorry I never seem to have gotten back to reviewing this story E1981. There is a vibe from the voice over and the story title that harks to the DS9 episode 'In a Pale Moonlight'. Given her Maquis background, Limis has made many a dubious moral choice in the past. So I'm intrigued to what action the opener refers to.
Also the battle in the murky clouds and pockets of gas were a little reminescent of a DS9 episode - I think it was Watership Down but I'm awful at recalling episode titles and of course the Briar Patch in Insurrection - so I like these little callouts and inspirations with your own spin on things making it very much a Lamba Paz tale.
I like character conflict because it is more true to life but of course on a military ship with a chain of command it can be hard to create that in a genuine way. However, given the Fleet/Maquis make up of this ship you have a sure fire way of generating such great character conflict. You capitalise on it but I'd say you don't egg it too much - thankfully as that would ruin matters. We see how Kozar is displeased/pissed off but bites his tongue and doesn't challenge the captain directly but addresses Tarlazzi on his own to rein in the more 'dangerous' suggestions.
After a rough battle we are then launched into a new spin as the ship is boarded what I can only assume to be pirates! This is interesting. But how did they know to act here and now? Are they scoping out the region? Are they in cahoots with the Dominion? Hmm ... lots to ponder here.
You have a break neck pace with telling stories which is always entertaining E1981. I have to commend you for it for I sometimes get too bogged down in side stories and scene development. However, I do also sometimes want to spend more time with your characters, inside their heads and to get more from them. I also commend how much story you cram into a chapter - your above chapter I'd definitely have bulked out over two or three chapters. I think you should afford yourself more indulgence in the story moments to exact the very best from the characters and plots you create. It would help the reader be more grounded in the setting and timeline of the story as well as be engaged in the characters even more.
But again, impressed by the story taking a tangent I was not expecting, the fistful of action and the set up for a thrilling story.
Author's Response: Better late than never I guess. LOL. Glad you enjoy this story and my approach to introducing various different. Of course, Season 1 sets the pace while Season 2, I think, affords more opportunities for individual character development.