Date: 02 May 2012 09:40 Title: Chapter 6
I like this story. It borrows a lot from other stories in Enterprise and Deep Space and combines them brilliantly. I like that Mirren dies from the torture, it adds depth and shows not everything can go rosy for a starfleet captain.
What I also love is the fact that you have a marquis and starfleet crew, like voyager, but unlike VOY you don't have them all forgetting their origins in the second episode, there is still some of that friction. I'm sure this will develop well in the future.
Another thing that I love is the tie in and explanation to Deep Space Nine, in my opinion the best ST series on the screens.
Excellent work, well written and brilliant described.
Author's Response: In terms of the torture and death of Mirren, I wanted to go a different route in terms of how torture is portrayed on television. The person being tortured doesn't suffer any permanent damage, he blurts out the desired information, and the heroes are able to avert disaster just in the nick of time. It doesn't always work out that way in real life. With that in mind, I recently added an extra scene where the crew is depicted verifying that Mirren's information is accurate, creating even more of a "Moral Dilemma" for Kozar relieving his captain of command and still acting on this information.
Date: 02 Dec 2011 15:43 Title: Chapter 2
I'm sorry I never seem to have gotten back to reviewing this story E1981. There is a vibe from the voice over and the story title that harks to the DS9 episode 'In a Pale Moonlight'. Given her Maquis background, Limis has made many a dubious moral choice in the past. So I'm intrigued to what action the opener refers to.
Also the battle in the murky clouds and pockets of gas were a little reminescent of a DS9 episode - I think it was Watership Down but I'm awful at recalling episode titles and of course the Briar Patch in Insurrection - so I like these little callouts and inspirations with your own spin on things making it very much a Lamba Paz tale.
I like character conflict because it is more true to life but of course on a military ship with a chain of command it can be hard to create that in a genuine way. However, given the Fleet/Maquis make up of this ship you have a sure fire way of generating such great character conflict. You capitalise on it but I'd say you don't egg it too much - thankfully as that would ruin matters. We see how Kozar is displeased/pissed off but bites his tongue and doesn't challenge the captain directly but addresses Tarlazzi on his own to rein in the more 'dangerous' suggestions.
After a rough battle we are then launched into a new spin as the ship is boarded what I can only assume to be pirates! This is interesting. But how did they know to act here and now? Are they scoping out the region? Are they in cahoots with the Dominion? Hmm ... lots to ponder here.
You have a break neck pace with telling stories which is always entertaining E1981. I have to commend you for it for I sometimes get too bogged down in side stories and scene development. However, I do also sometimes want to spend more time with your characters, inside their heads and to get more from them. I also commend how much story you cram into a chapter - your above chapter I'd definitely have bulked out over two or three chapters. I think you should afford yourself more indulgence in the story moments to exact the very best from the characters and plots you create. It would help the reader be more grounded in the setting and timeline of the story as well as be engaged in the characters even more.
But again, impressed by the story taking a tangent I was not expecting, the fistful of action and the set up for a thrilling story.
Author's Response: Better late than never I guess. LOL. Glad you enjoy this story and my approach to introducing various different. Of course, Season 1 sets the pace while Season 2, I think, affords more opportunities for individual character development.
Date: 01 Dec 2011 17:11 Title: Chapter 1
Yes that is so much more better! The modified chapters, five and six, finally bring a more satisfactory closure to this story and tie up all the loose ends. Good job! Not only that the whole story is now better off for it. I'm going to be doing something similiar with Secrets and Lies, adding new scenes, making it more complete.
Author's Response: Upon careful consideration, I wanted to depict the crew at least the accuracy of the information Mirren gave with his last dying breath. I was somewhat disappointed with the aforementioned Enterprise validated the propaganda on the use of torture despite Picard's assertion in "Chain of Command" on the reliability of physical torture as a means of extracting information.
Date: 28 Nov 2011 15:12 Title: Chapter 1
Another good episode (and that's what I'll call your stories because they are so like TV episodes of Star Trek). I personally thought Limis was right to get that information out of the Cardassian. I mean the Cardassian only suffered for what a few minutes? Limis got her information, because that Cardassian was taking it with him to his grave.
Even so I think there is a definite monster inside of Limis, by monster I mean when she is under pressure, when she needs to accomplish something, and many lives are at stake, she'll result to virtually any means to accomplish that something. Limis is just like Kira Nerys in that respect, though I wonder after the war how Limis is going to return to some sort of normality.
Limis is right when she says each death she inflicted makes a little part of her die. The way she acts is like she is in a shell, and her true feelings: the guilt, the despair of losing colleagues and so forth, just gets buried all the time.
You did a good job with Kozar as well, I dunno why but I felt like punching him when he took over command from Limis. He kept her in the dark about that one...
Nice one!
p.s. when are you going to add those extra scenes to chapter five?
Author's Response: These stories basically are set up like single hour-long episodes (with a few more recent a lot longer). It's mostly a story of having to make those tough decisions in war and was mostly inspired by "In the Pale Moonlight" when Sisko tries to convince himself he can live with the guilt and shame, but he really can't and the Enterprise episode "Anomaly" when Archer nearly suffocates the alien prisoner to learn what he knows about the Xindi. Of course, there's going to be hell to pay in later stories a la Duras's grudge against Archer.
I should have the revised Chapters 5 and 6 ready to some time next week. After giving it some thought, I wanted to provide a more concrete resolution than in this version.
Date: 16 Sep 2009 11:55 Title: Chapter 1
Oh very interesting start. I wonder what the captain did. I guess I'll have to read on to find out. But I think that in a short segment you set up the gritty harsh realities faced aboard a ship battling against the Dominion. No big glory or heroic moves. Just duking it out one hard punch after the other. Good stuff.