Date: 30 May 2011 00:17 Title: Chapter 11
This is a good story, but I think you pack in to much into it. It's a clever and complicated story I'll give you that, but somehow it feels hollow. We have about a dozen important characters, each with their own motives, and you cycle through them at a dizzying pace.
I don't know why but I get the feeling that so many of these characters (secondary ones) are simply here to push the plot forwards, and you don't really get a sense of why they're here and what their motives are. If you made the story longer, perhaps all of this action and the plot wouldn't feel so rushed.
It is a very complicated story, with dozens of connections between the characters. But I think it's to complicated, to the point where the distinctiveness of the characters was lost.
Take the scene with Limis, and Revok forcing her to give the Defiant's cloaking frequency. You revealed a vulnerable side to Limis, and for a brief moment the story became a lot more interesting. Limis is faced with this horrendous choice, just as your thinking about what she is going to do, the plot moves on and she makes her decision. For some reason this reduces the magnitude of her decision, but if you had explained in more detail Limis's dilemma and conflicting interests it would been more interesting. Of course it would have slowed the story's pace, but it would have added depth to the story.
I guess the problem I have with this story is the shallow amount of depth. As I read through the chapters, I realised that this wasn't one story, this was several stories all compressed into one story. Even after reading through it once, I saw so many points where it could be expanded.
Another issue was the story perspective, sometimes it got confusing. For instance when Revok was attacking the Defiant, the story suddenly switched from Revok's perspective to the Defiant's, and vice versa. Perhaps if you clearly separated the two perspectives it would be more clear.
To sum up your method of story writing has given me much to think about concerning the bias towards story pace and story depth. I also believe that if this story was expanded it would truly become a tale of mystery, intrigue and action.
Author's Response: Glad it is still appealing despite it's fast pace. I admit that it does have its flaws in terms of a number of deus ex machina resolutions such as being fully prepared for the Cardassians to try to seize the station. Like I've said before, this is one of my first tries at fan-fiction writing. I may look into expanding the narrative when Lambda Paz gets to 2376. Not a complete overhaul, but an expansion of various plot points and characters in order to account for character arcs continued in this stories sequel from Ro's relationship with the acting CMO to Sisko's return from his time with the prophets.