I liked this; an excellent entry to the challenge, and filled with an atmosphere that makes it almost tangible.

My biggest beef is the question marks, ie:
“How’s your night been,” the bartender asked as Carmichael took a seat in a vacant stool.

Should be:
“How’s your night been?” the bartender asked as Carmichael took a seat in a vacant stool.

I'd be thrilled to bits if you could go back and add those in on the 'asked' statements in here. Unless you'd rather I do, then just let me know and I will. The ending of this was especially poignant; thanks much for posting it! A good little introduction to your universe.

Author's Response: While I hate dumping things off on others... Just this once, would you be able to make the changes? Then I can compare them and learn from it. After all, stronger writing can only help a story.