Date: 29 Sep 2013 14:49 Title: Apple
I’m glad to see there was an aftermath to the all-orange day. Nice to see you give Shelby Pike a bit of screen text time. After all even the second sugar plum fairy on the right have good stories in them.
Good to see the botanist is one of those who find their career excellence take them into space not because they got a dream of being an interstellar explorer.
Did felt right it was Trip calling out for no more oranges and Reed being interested in English Cheddar and Lili, still caught staring. Nice little touch’s as always.
Plus the use of a “reversal’” touchstone, from Lili lack of sleep due to mental contact with Doug creating somewhat earthly dreams was well worked in.
Since Travis poor reaction to the offer of an apple from Shelby I felt was over harsh and so I was glad to see Lili go after him and give him the talking to and sent him back.
Still that last line has the hard truth that all who had to deal with rejecting someone you care about but not in that way can empathise with.
An excellent all round story.
Aw, thank you.
Yeah, I realized that there were little bits of Reversal that were never really told. Of course people would complain about all that orange food!
Date: 21 Aug 2013 09:00 Title: Apple
There's another one light on the depth. It's not that you don't have the framework; obviously, you do. But it rushes. Which is great in a battle, or a scene where you're actually covering ten different things at once, but not so much when you're trying to convey emotion or really nail home your message. It's good in terms of plot, but feels a bit more like I'm reading a newspaper, I guess? Than a story. My recommendations would be--
Wait. That's it. I figured it out. You're telling me what happens, Jes. But you need to show me. Drag me in, make me feel it.
I agree this one is very light. And, thank you - I tend to do description through speech. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not.